McCain picks Tina Fey as running mate

Let's go

Not since Enrico Palazzo gave performed that stunning rendition of the national anthem at a Seattle Mariners/California Angels game in 1988 has a stadium crowd been this jumping.

Barack killed it -- he killed it. He had his way with it. He took it behind the bleachers and got it pregnant. All right I'm getting carried away.

And now it starts in earnest -- next week in Minneapolis will be all about Barack Obama and his lacking, Barack Obama and his inexperience, Barack Obama and his "celebrity". Barack is ready to answer those questions, to turn them on their head; to question whether classical experience is important when that experience has led us into economic and military quandaries.

I am so happy.

Biden time

Well that was a good speech, highlighted by the appearance of Joe Biden's mom who may or may not have known Abe Lincoln personally.

Again, I've talked a lot about Biden here, and I definitely have had mixed up emotions, but he was great and will do a great job selling cars for Scranton Toyota, I mean he will do a great job as Vice President of the United States.

Teddy K

My keyboard is covered in tears so this is all I'll write.

Face to Face

While recovering from my recent bout of Biden-cephalitis, I was browsing CNN and came across this unintentionally hilarious side-by-side photo of Barack Obama and John McCain, a journalistic device that is the favorite of media outlets everywhere:


So I decided to find some similar pictures and write hysterical captions to them.

Happier times before Barack Obama became a Muslim

McCain has completed his transformation to disembodied head wearing a dickie

This photo was taken with McCain's most treasured personal item, a camera given to him by George Eastman in 1886.

Apparently they're now a TV evening news team

Wait, which one is which here?

Barack Obama immediately following root canal surgery and John McCain immediately following a bowel movement

Ok, we get it, even his microphones are black

REDACTED

Barack might be under there I can't be sure, this picture is like an MC Escher painting

I meant Biden

Right, so, Joe Biden!

Number 2

The pick will be revealed in about 6-8 hours, and before I go to sleep tonight have dreams of Joe Biden's teeth, Moderately Effed is going to make its bold prediction for Barack Obama's Vice Presidential nominee, Jack Reed (D-RI).

"I'm in the Senate!"

Jack Reed flew under the radar for a while but was mentioned again today as a possible finalist, amidst buzz that the Secret Service had been dispatched to Rhode Island either to guard Reed or because they all really like going out in Newport.

Anyway, I think Barack ultimately got scared away Biden's hair and went for a guy who also has a fun haircut in Reed. Personally, I like Reed's military experience and his weird chin.

It's not a house it's a home

"My friends, the only reason I don't remember how many houses I own is that
I purchased several of them in the 1830's"

John McCain (R-ich and famous, lifestyles of) did not have his best day on the campaign trail this week, responding to a reporter's question asking him how many houses he owned by saying, "I think -- I'll have my staff get to you" which, roughly translated, means "I own a lot of houses"

You would think the media would have some fun with this, Obama's campaign would get a few barbs in, and that would be that. Instead, it led most news reports, Obama made a commercial, and then McCain hit back hard bringing up Obama's relations with Tony Rezko. For Obama, the smart thing to do here would either be to step back and let the story die or to hit back even harder with some Keating Five ads, but we're talking about a Democrat here so he'll probably bitch and moan about it for a day and then pick Evan Bayh as his VP.

So this fun news story will lead right into Obama picking the blandest possible candidate for Vice President and then the convention starts next week where Hillary Clinton will spend 30 minutes begging for donations, Barack Obama will once again try to redefine oratory, and Bill Clinton will be looking for Rielle Hunter.

Rudy who? Wait you must mean Huxtable

The Comedy Gods fulfilled my every dream today by ordaining that Ferretface V. 911 will be the keynote speaker at the Republican National Convention in two weeks.

Giuliani, who had the Liebermanesque quality of dropping in the polls as the voters got to know him, was picked because of his excellent campaign commercials, the fact that he's been married more times than McCain, and because 9/11 9/11 9/11.

Let's plan a drinking game. If you hear any of the following terms used, drink a jagerbomb:

"Inexperienced"
"Beautiful September morning"

If you hear these used, drink a bottle of scotch:

"Surrendering to terror"
"Sunny September morning"

If you hear these terms, shoot yourself in the head:

"Camel Jockey"
"Barack Obama was the 20th hijacker"

Checkin out politics, in this crazy crazy town

"Goulet!"

Senator Joseph Biden (D-MSNBC) is being talked up so much this week you would think he is that retarded guy who won 8 gold medals swimming around in China. I've talked about Biden a lot on this blog, most notably here and here (objectively one of the funniest things I've ever written), and generally I have a lot of respect for him. He's smart and he's a genuine bulldog, albeit occasionally a racist bulldog.

So the conventional wisdom is that Barack Obama is narrowing in on Biden (above Evan Bayh and Tim Kaine's left eyebrow) to be his VP candidate, and if that happened, their first public appearance together would shatter the ego record set when President Bush met Bono.

I don't know how I feel about Biden vs. Bayh vs. Tim Kaine's left eyebrow. Biden won't shut up, Bayh was designed by Cyberdyne systems, and Tim Kaine's left eyebrow doesn't have any national security experience.

This is a tough one. I think he should pick John Edwards.

I never would've dreamed that her heart was so wicked

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-elusional) will be formally put up for nomination at the Democratic Convention in two weeks, because, according to her and her "campaign", there is a groundswell of support among her, um, supporters, to officially have their voices heard. Of course by "supporters" they mean Bill Clinton and Chelsea Clinton and by "have their voices hear" they mean SHUT THE FUCK UP SHE'S STEALING THE NOMINATION

The deal to have Hillary’s ego fest go forward was struck because the Obama and Clinton camps weren’t able to agree on the proper way to recognize Hillary’s campaign; Obama of course wanted her to give a speech talking about the historical implications of both her campaign and his, about her groundbreaking commitment to universal health care and her unmatched policy expertise. Clinton, on the other hand wanted to put this image on the screen behind her for 45 uninterrupted minutes and then immediately have a roll call vote:

On a serious note, while this will have some positive influence on the disenfranchised Hillary voters, it will also allow the Republicans to paint a very nice picture for themselves: not even his own party is behind Barack Obama. The delegate count was so close, if those numbers remain true Barack will “win” the nomination in a very tight vote. Hopefully, he will then give the greatest speech in the history of mankind on Thursday (aside from Quint’s “Indianapolis” monologue in Jaws) and she will fade into Bolivian.

It won’t be a brokered convention by any means; the party has its nominee, but a close vote and 2 days of Clinton (Chelsea, Hillary, Bill, and then a close vote on Wednesday), followed by McCain announcing his VP pick on Friday, and the impact of Barack’s story, and his speech, could be muted.

Wow this is exciting.

Hump day

So today nothing of note happened to me except I nearly spit on a guy while running near Harvard and I saw a man, that's right, a man, in the gym locker room putting on a garter belt. Be warned, if you ever search for garter belt on google images and you have the porn filter turned off, well, be warned.

While browsing around the internet attempting to avoid both work and articles about Michael Phelps, I of course read an article in the Post about Michael Phelps' daily diet, which is incredible and oh fuck I'm talking about Michael Phelps:

Breakfast: Three fried-egg sandwiches loaded with cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise, two cups of coffee, a five-egg omelet, a bowl of grits, three slices of French toast topped with powdered sugar and three chocolate-chip pancakes.

Lunch: a pound of enriched pasta and two large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered with mayo on white bread and 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks

Dinner: A pound of pasta and an entire pizza and 1,000 calories worth of energy drinks.

While I am stunned that a human being could drink that many energy drinks and not immediately have a heart attack, what amazes me the most is the ENTIRE PIZZA he eats at dinner. That's at the end of the day -- he's already eaten an entire carton of eggs and more mayonnaise than anyone is supposed to eat in their lifetime and he's eating an entire pizza.
All right I'm getting sick thinking about this.

CNN... laugh riot

These quick vote writers are definitely looking for a job on the new Jimmy Fallon show...


Anyway, friend of the blog McGriff asked me yesterday if I was secretly, or not so secretly, rooting for the American basketball team to not win the gold and I said yes. In fact, I'd love for Lebron and Kobe to both be dunked on by a lanky Angolan small forward, resulting in the two of the smashing their heads together like a couple of coconuts.

In other news, I just can't get into the Olympics. I want to. I want to watch badmitton and pole vaulting and bobsledding and curling, but badmitton and pole vaulting are boring and I can't seem to find bobsledding and curling on the schedule anywhere.

On Edwards

In 2006, following a long (and drunk) conversation with a friend of the blog, I wrote what I would describe as an extremely long-winded and narcissistic treatise on my love-hate relationship with Bill Clinton.

Luckily for me, Clinton's behavior during the primaries fully shifted me into the hate-hate category, so I no longer had to use critical thinking to analyze why his affair had bothered me so much! So, that was nice.

Edwards' affair, on the other hand, didn't have the same effect on me because he was never my candidate, I never loved him, and quite frankly I never really thought about him even when he was running for President. So, personally, I wasn't that affected.

Objectively, though, it's disgusting. His wife was diagnosed with a cancer that will kill her, he runs for President (again!) with two young children and then he cheats on her, with, apparently, America's version of Camilla Parker Bowles. Seriously, look at the side by side.


Just terrible. Edwards attributed the affair to narcissism and a growing sense that he could do anything that he wanted, which is just about the most believable justification for an affair that I've ever heard, aside from "But it's Angelina Jolie", so here's to John Edwards, the most logical cheater this side of Brad Pitt.

BREAKING: JOHN MCCAIN HAS EXTREMELY LIMITED VOCABULARY

McCain also suggested invading gas prices, using surgical missile strikes on childhood obesity, negotiating with abortion, and bombing Iran.

Holla if you need me love, I'm in the House

The Veepstakes (I hate that term) has just about reached the boiling point, with both Barack "The One" Obama and John "Nearly dead" McCain closing in on picking their running mates. Barack is looking for the whitest guy he can possibly find (other than John McCain) and McCain is looking for someone who skews the ticket a bit younger, ie: John McCain's father.

As always happens during VP selection time, there are frontrunners (Bayh, Biden, Romney, Crist) and dark horses (Fiorina, Sebelius, Nunn) and then there are the ridiculous obscure House members that are tossed in at the end to placate the respective party leadership. In this election, that honor goes Reps Eric Cantor (R-eligious Jew) and Chet Edwards (D-on't know anything about him)

"I'm Jewish."

I know very little about Cantor aside from his aforementioned Judaism and his clothing choice which involves, at least in the above picture, way too many patterns. He's relatively young (just 45) he's the Chief Deputy Minority Whip, and in his 2002 Congressional race he beat Ben "Cooter" Jones , who of course appeared on the Dukes of Hazzard. I'm convinced.

"I look like Mark Foley."

So do I need to elaborate anymore? Chet Edwards looks like Mark Foley. As a positive, the Obama campaign can save a lot of money by just replacing the name Kerry from the 2004 bumper stickers, banners, and signs. As a negative, Chet Edwards looks like Mark Foley.

Identical cousins

So I know I just made a lookalike joke, but while reading the Foxnews article on millionaire kidnapper Clark Rockefeller, I couldn't help but notice: he is Chuck Klosterman.

Just an observation.

UPDATE: BRETT FAVRE MAY BE OLD AND/OR RETARDED

Surprise, Surprise

First of all, I thought he died like 100 years ago and then I realized I was thinking of Dostoevsky.

Secondly, I had no idea Solzhenitsyn was the guy that sold the Mogwais in Gremlins.